Recently in Humor Category
"Messed Up Pictures"
Stumbled on a funny series of "messed up pictures" in blog world.
Venezuela Fun
Some funny Venezuela forward fun from my nigrette Patchy Lee.
Siege Mentality
I dig zombie flicks. I mean, I really really dig them. Other apocalyptic movies are also well received.
I don't know. There's just something about a few struggling survivors camping out in a basement or shopping mall that attracts me. With nothing but scarce supplies, innovation, an outside threat, and fear, characters become more of the threat than the zombies themselves. There's also always a moment where a character is forced to kill somebody who he once knew, slightly hesitating before slamming the axe down on their face. Zombie movies, I feel, are "realer" than those prime time reality shows.
Sometimes I wonder how I'd deal in such a situation. "No! Your totally doing it wrong dude!" I'll find myself screaming to the screen.
"Can't you just accept the fact that chances rule out your wife's survival? Don't go back for your family, dude, just run!" I always think I'd be the first dude to shoot a buddy who just got bit by a zombie. "Sorry man, I gotta' do it" ::bam::
And when your in the final scene, surrounded by zombies with no chance of survival? Save one bullet for yourself, my friend. No glory in going out with a bang in a zombie flick. There's just too many of them to gloriously blow yourself up with a gas tank. Plus if it doesn't work, your pretty much fucked.
But seriously. I think I'd fare pretty well in an apocalyptic zombie attack. First of all, I live in a remotely rural area, so my neighborhood would probably be one of the last ones to "convert". Upon the zombie siege, I'd grab a couple anarchist cookbooks from my bookshelf, my night vision goggles and binoculars (thanks, Dad), a water bottle, a machete from the tool shed, and I'd simply just run into the mountains. Other supplies I can pick from remote, rural grocery stores that have been abandoned.
No clumsy zombie is going to be able to chase me in the hilly jungle. Also, I know enough about the local plant life to know what I can eat (plantains, yautia, and �ame galore). After a few weeks of bathing in the river and sleeping in a hammock strung up 30 feet into the trees, I would scope out portions of the surrounding jungle that border urbanized areas. If I can find a vehicle to ram into the local police station, then I'd stock up on conventional weapons and supplies and head back into the mountains.
Fuckers aren't getting me. No dude with a broken leg is gonna slow my ass down, neither.
I'm sure that if I run into another survivor around this time, that they're probably pretty efficient and creative. I'd propose building a makeshift jungle supplies depot with bamboo and palm leaves where we can start bringing the injured and defenseless.
I haven't really thought about what I would do if they were fast zombies like in 28 Days Later or I Am Legend...
I don't know. There's just something about a few struggling survivors camping out in a basement or shopping mall that attracts me. With nothing but scarce supplies, innovation, an outside threat, and fear, characters become more of the threat than the zombies themselves. There's also always a moment where a character is forced to kill somebody who he once knew, slightly hesitating before slamming the axe down on their face. Zombie movies, I feel, are "realer" than those prime time reality shows.
Sometimes I wonder how I'd deal in such a situation. "No! Your totally doing it wrong dude!" I'll find myself screaming to the screen.
"Can't you just accept the fact that chances rule out your wife's survival? Don't go back for your family, dude, just run!" I always think I'd be the first dude to shoot a buddy who just got bit by a zombie. "Sorry man, I gotta' do it" ::bam::And when your in the final scene, surrounded by zombies with no chance of survival? Save one bullet for yourself, my friend. No glory in going out with a bang in a zombie flick. There's just too many of them to gloriously blow yourself up with a gas tank. Plus if it doesn't work, your pretty much fucked.
But seriously. I think I'd fare pretty well in an apocalyptic zombie attack. First of all, I live in a remotely rural area, so my neighborhood would probably be one of the last ones to "convert". Upon the zombie siege, I'd grab a couple anarchist cookbooks from my bookshelf, my night vision goggles and binoculars (thanks, Dad), a water bottle, a machete from the tool shed, and I'd simply just run into the mountains. Other supplies I can pick from remote, rural grocery stores that have been abandoned.
No clumsy zombie is going to be able to chase me in the hilly jungle. Also, I know enough about the local plant life to know what I can eat (plantains, yautia, and �ame galore). After a few weeks of bathing in the river and sleeping in a hammock strung up 30 feet into the trees, I would scope out portions of the surrounding jungle that border urbanized areas. If I can find a vehicle to ram into the local police station, then I'd stock up on conventional weapons and supplies and head back into the mountains.
Fuckers aren't getting me. No dude with a broken leg is gonna slow my ass down, neither.
I'm sure that if I run into another survivor around this time, that they're probably pretty efficient and creative. I'd propose building a makeshift jungle supplies depot with bamboo and palm leaves where we can start bringing the injured and defenseless.
I haven't really thought about what I would do if they were fast zombies like in 28 Days Later or I Am Legend...
My Daughter and People with "Darker Skin"
My buddy Dave is a very dark-skinned African American.
My daughter doesn't necessarily live in a part of Florida where they are too many folks like Dave so I'm supposing she hasn't had the chance to see too many folks "like" Dave. Despite such, she visits Columbus, Georgia and her native Puerto Rico enough to be comfortable around people no matter their skin color. (Which I think it quite an accomplishment, considering the fact that she lives in a pretty upscale - for Puerto Rico standards - part of Florida.) I know that contact with such groups in the U.S. is always under the condition where they are the majority. The psychological aspect where everybody is the "minority" can be quite eye opening for children learning about what a "minority" actually is.
During one of my visits to Georgia with Amaia, she took up a liking for Dave. While she would shun other friends she would be more than happy to allow Dave to hold her or walk with her whenever we went out to public places. "Bye Dave!" she'd scream whenever he'd be leaving.
After a fun week in Georgia with Dave and crew about two years ago, Amaia joined Crystal and I for a weekend in my brother's house Atlanta, Georgia. My brother's neighborhood is composed of nothing but African Americans (in the half a dozen times I've been there I've only seen two non-Blacks; one of whom was a Latino and the other an Indian store clerk). Shortly after arriving to my brother's neighborhood, I pulled into a gas station to fill up my tank. "Look!" my daughter screams with an expression of joy. "IT'S DAVE!" she belts as she points her finger at a random Black guy who was filling up his car right next to mine.
I couldn't stop chuckling to myself for the next hour or so.
"Daddy!" she tells me during a recent visit to Florida. "I like people with darker skin!"
Jaja.
My daughter doesn't necessarily live in a part of Florida where they are too many folks like Dave so I'm supposing she hasn't had the chance to see too many folks "like" Dave. Despite such, she visits Columbus, Georgia and her native Puerto Rico enough to be comfortable around people no matter their skin color. (Which I think it quite an accomplishment, considering the fact that she lives in a pretty upscale - for Puerto Rico standards - part of Florida.) I know that contact with such groups in the U.S. is always under the condition where they are the majority. The psychological aspect where everybody is the "minority" can be quite eye opening for children learning about what a "minority" actually is.
During one of my visits to Georgia with Amaia, she took up a liking for Dave. While she would shun other friends she would be more than happy to allow Dave to hold her or walk with her whenever we went out to public places. "Bye Dave!" she'd scream whenever he'd be leaving.
After a fun week in Georgia with Dave and crew about two years ago, Amaia joined Crystal and I for a weekend in my brother's house Atlanta, Georgia. My brother's neighborhood is composed of nothing but African Americans (in the half a dozen times I've been there I've only seen two non-Blacks; one of whom was a Latino and the other an Indian store clerk). Shortly after arriving to my brother's neighborhood, I pulled into a gas station to fill up my tank. "Look!" my daughter screams with an expression of joy. "IT'S DAVE!" she belts as she points her finger at a random Black guy who was filling up his car right next to mine.
I couldn't stop chuckling to myself for the next hour or so.
"Daddy!" she tells me during a recent visit to Florida. "I like people with darker skin!"
Jaja.
Word(Up) Press
For the web-savvy guy who grew up during the 1990s listening to gangster music, this is a sure laugh.Rain Strain
It's raining. Sounds nice. But so does this tune I'm jamming on my iPod.
Boy, do I wish I could raise the rain's volume.
Boy, do I wish I could raise the rain's volume.
Zodiac Shmodiac
I don't even know why I'm spending the time writing this. The subject is often tucked away into that corner of my brain where unfavorable subjects are locked away. Though I'm sure that most readers of this site probably think as I do when it comes to the legitimacy of zodiac signs, memories of an intense conversation I had about two years ago lead me to write the following words. Two women who I care very much for (Crystal and her sister Deana) attacked me for almost two hours for my total rejection of the horoscope. "See! You're being such a Cancer!" they giggled as I ranted on about the sociological and scientific arguments against the zodiac. Boy, was it frustrating to have these two women teehee at me like school girls; something that just made me angrier and angrier. "You're attacking the zodiac, but your sooo being your sign right now!" The conversation ended with me looking out the window in silence for half an hour.
The history astounds me. The way people can believe it shocks me even more. Astronomy broke off from astrology during the 18th century when philosophers and scientists were starting to smarten up during the Renaissance. Despite this, 31% of Americans believe in the validity of astronomy. This system was founded by Mesopotamians and then later Egyptians during the 2nd millennium B.C. - the same people who thought that God floated around in a flying boat. I would more easily believe any modern religion before believing something like this. In fact, I'd prescribe to Zacharia Sitchin's theory that Mesopotamian Gods were aliens before I'd pay homage to Ptolemy's foundation of Western astronomy.
I don't understand how someone can believe that everybody in the entire globe that share the same sign - possible 500,000,000 people for each sign - from distinct classes, cultures, family systems, and economic conditions can share the same daily fate. One's parents, culture, environment, traditions, and peers have more influence on your up-brining, personality, and fate than the alignment of planets. (Some of these ancient cats didn't even know what planets were. Others thought the Earth was flat or that it rotated around the sun.)
And who is it that sits around and decides that your daily fate is going to be? Some certified astrologist specialist working for an aggregated news service? A mage from a past civilization? And why is it that one could pick up a dozen different publications and each one have a different horoscope? Cut up the descriptions of the signs from a book, put them into a hat, shake them up, and try to organize them according to their sign. Curiosity struck me and I decided to pick look up my horoscope on a few leading publications:
• "You'll kill off an old way of thinking in the manner of a seasoned soap opera writer doing away with a story that's played out. Things have to change to keep the excitement rolling."
• "Do right by yourself today, or you may find that things get a bit crazy later on. You're in a pretty good position, but you could use a bit more growth in at least one area of your life."
• "Flitting influences will give rise to flitting tensions: just as one problem is sorted another may develop. Keep your wits about you, Cancer; assume a plodding pace, don't get rattled, and remember that the thoughtful tortoise usually beats the hasty hare in the long run!"
• "Someone could challenge you on a very sensitive issue this Tuesday. This could result in a very intense discussion. You may find yourself analyzing a situation. Too much time spent in serious thought could undermine your progress. Lighten up! Tell some jokes and enjoy the company of others. Soon, you will find the most sensitive issues can be put to rest. You may become very interested in research surrounding life survival, scientific research or what-have-you. There is a passion for searching, finding out and communicating your discoveries. This may turn out to be a very interesting day with perhaps a renewed appreciation for all that is beautiful and fine. There is a time of meditation when that first sip of wine or a little evening refreshment is quite relaxing."
• "Take time for both. Today you'll have dual needs. On one hand, you'll want to take part in social activities. And at the same time, you'll need some time alone. Fortunately, you can and should do both! Today plan time with others, and also try to find someplace quiet where you can spend an hour alone."
• "Deals and demands may 'move very fast' around you early in the week. A slow down near the 18/19th may 'dump extra work' on you. Your stars say 'do a good job and shut up.' Anything 'by way of comment' MAY be taken as either complaint or 'looking for an argument.' Coworker jealousy is typical this week and you may even be 'surprised' by it or by whom it comes from. Say nothing and do NOT 'react.'"
• "Although Venus won't officially move into your sign until tomorrow, you might as well prepare yourself for this blessed event. Your powers of attraction will be unparallel."
• "There will be some insecure people around you today, and they are going to be extra sensitive to whatever you say. So do your best not to be too critical of them -- they are going to work hard to see things in the worst possible light. While you don't relish the idea of walking on eggshells around them, the extra effort will be worth it when you prevent all that pity-party drama. Just try to give them their space throughout the day. Avoid interacting with them if you have to."
If I were to follow all of this advice I would be a nervous wreck. Not only will I "kill off an old way of thinking" but I must "assume a plodding pace" and not "get rattled". I'm going to have "time of meditation" while "deals and demand may move very fast around" me. I will be attracted to a Venus but I will also be surrounded by "insecure people" and will have to "avoid interacting with them". Boy.
What does one have to study in order to write up legit horoscopes? Do readers even bother looking for an author name on their daily horoscope or study into how that horoscope got there? Aside from gay Latinos in dresses on the Spanish channel, are there any renown astrologists hanging around? A glance at any sign on Wikipedia will reveal a hodgepodge of "citations" that lead characteristics to .com's and poppish Zodiac dictionaries - themselves with no reference to any source. In fact - my entry called me both "warm" and "cold", "sincere" and "controlling", "security-orientated" and "lacking in stability". In order to set things straight, I went ahead and edited my sign's Wikipedia entry to include the following:
The citation leads to this article. (You can read my edit of the Wiki article here.)
My two sisters, my grandmother, and my daughter all share the same August sign but lack any core personality similarities. My grandfather and brother also share the same sign, and they are more different than my August women.
Don't get me wrong. I'm open minded. I'm down with ghosts and think UFOs are cool shit. And if you were to push me, I wouldn't even discard psychic abilities, telekinesis, and even pyrokenises (bad ass). But astrology; common! Just talking about the subject has me in "silent looking out the window" mode!
The history astounds me. The way people can believe it shocks me even more. Astronomy broke off from astrology during the 18th century when philosophers and scientists were starting to smarten up during the Renaissance. Despite this, 31% of Americans believe in the validity of astronomy. This system was founded by Mesopotamians and then later Egyptians during the 2nd millennium B.C. - the same people who thought that God floated around in a flying boat. I would more easily believe any modern religion before believing something like this. In fact, I'd prescribe to Zacharia Sitchin's theory that Mesopotamian Gods were aliens before I'd pay homage to Ptolemy's foundation of Western astronomy.
I don't understand how someone can believe that everybody in the entire globe that share the same sign - possible 500,000,000 people for each sign - from distinct classes, cultures, family systems, and economic conditions can share the same daily fate. One's parents, culture, environment, traditions, and peers have more influence on your up-brining, personality, and fate than the alignment of planets. (Some of these ancient cats didn't even know what planets were. Others thought the Earth was flat or that it rotated around the sun.)
And who is it that sits around and decides that your daily fate is going to be? Some certified astrologist specialist working for an aggregated news service? A mage from a past civilization? And why is it that one could pick up a dozen different publications and each one have a different horoscope? Cut up the descriptions of the signs from a book, put them into a hat, shake them up, and try to organize them according to their sign. Curiosity struck me and I decided to pick look up my horoscope on a few leading publications:
• "You'll kill off an old way of thinking in the manner of a seasoned soap opera writer doing away with a story that's played out. Things have to change to keep the excitement rolling."
• "Do right by yourself today, or you may find that things get a bit crazy later on. You're in a pretty good position, but you could use a bit more growth in at least one area of your life."
• "Flitting influences will give rise to flitting tensions: just as one problem is sorted another may develop. Keep your wits about you, Cancer; assume a plodding pace, don't get rattled, and remember that the thoughtful tortoise usually beats the hasty hare in the long run!"
• "Someone could challenge you on a very sensitive issue this Tuesday. This could result in a very intense discussion. You may find yourself analyzing a situation. Too much time spent in serious thought could undermine your progress. Lighten up! Tell some jokes and enjoy the company of others. Soon, you will find the most sensitive issues can be put to rest. You may become very interested in research surrounding life survival, scientific research or what-have-you. There is a passion for searching, finding out and communicating your discoveries. This may turn out to be a very interesting day with perhaps a renewed appreciation for all that is beautiful and fine. There is a time of meditation when that first sip of wine or a little evening refreshment is quite relaxing."
• "Take time for both. Today you'll have dual needs. On one hand, you'll want to take part in social activities. And at the same time, you'll need some time alone. Fortunately, you can and should do both! Today plan time with others, and also try to find someplace quiet where you can spend an hour alone."
• "Deals and demands may 'move very fast' around you early in the week. A slow down near the 18/19th may 'dump extra work' on you. Your stars say 'do a good job and shut up.' Anything 'by way of comment' MAY be taken as either complaint or 'looking for an argument.' Coworker jealousy is typical this week and you may even be 'surprised' by it or by whom it comes from. Say nothing and do NOT 'react.'"
• "Although Venus won't officially move into your sign until tomorrow, you might as well prepare yourself for this blessed event. Your powers of attraction will be unparallel."
• "There will be some insecure people around you today, and they are going to be extra sensitive to whatever you say. So do your best not to be too critical of them -- they are going to work hard to see things in the worst possible light. While you don't relish the idea of walking on eggshells around them, the extra effort will be worth it when you prevent all that pity-party drama. Just try to give them their space throughout the day. Avoid interacting with them if you have to."
If I were to follow all of this advice I would be a nervous wreck. Not only will I "kill off an old way of thinking" but I must "assume a plodding pace" and not "get rattled". I'm going to have "time of meditation" while "deals and demand may move very fast around" me. I will be attracted to a Venus but I will also be surrounded by "insecure people" and will have to "avoid interacting with them". Boy.
What does one have to study in order to write up legit horoscopes? Do readers even bother looking for an author name on their daily horoscope or study into how that horoscope got there? Aside from gay Latinos in dresses on the Spanish channel, are there any renown astrologists hanging around? A glance at any sign on Wikipedia will reveal a hodgepodge of "citations" that lead characteristics to .com's and poppish Zodiac dictionaries - themselves with no reference to any source. In fact - my entry called me both "warm" and "cold", "sincere" and "controlling", "security-orientated" and "lacking in stability". In order to set things straight, I went ahead and edited my sign's Wikipedia entry to include the following:
The citation leads to this article. (You can read my edit of the Wiki article here.)My two sisters, my grandmother, and my daughter all share the same August sign but lack any core personality similarities. My grandfather and brother also share the same sign, and they are more different than my August women.
Don't get me wrong. I'm open minded. I'm down with ghosts and think UFOs are cool shit. And if you were to push me, I wouldn't even discard psychic abilities, telekinesis, and even pyrokenises (bad ass). But astrology; common! Just talking about the subject has me in "silent looking out the window" mode!
Airplane Boredom
Mom always said that only boring people get bored. I would have to say that I am beginning to believe her. As you grow older and one begins to take up new responsibilities, one of the things you learn to value most is idle time. Plus, nothing is more tranquilizing than sitting in silence and capturing a free moment to *think* or read a good book. Despite such, there's only a certain amount of time you can ponder and read until your head and eyes start hurting. That's why when your on a lengthy flight you can't help but get bored.
Whenever I'm bored on an airplane I simply go to the bathroom. I do the same in my university or work place (places where your not really aloud to be idle). I'll entertain myself by unscrewing the peculear soap bottle on the miniature sink; applying different amounts of pressure to the "hot" and "cold" knobs until you can successfully create a "warm" mix; peeing as hard as you can to try to move around the little flap that covers the toilet hole; etc.
But who's stupid idea was it to install button-activated sinks? I mean; you have to rinse one hand while holding down the button than swap hands. The crucial process of mashing your hands together to lather the soap is impossible. Not only that, but you totally get your hands dirty again when you touch the soapy, soggy button. The truth is that I loose any incentive to wash my hands when I run into a sink like that.
And those toilets. No matter how much you prepare yourself mentally for that terrorizing flush, that streaking sound of released air pressure sucking up your turd is just mortifying. I'm sure to be standing up and pressed against the door ready to leave as soon as I flush.
Whenever I'm bored on an airplane I simply go to the bathroom. I do the same in my university or work place (places where your not really aloud to be idle). I'll entertain myself by unscrewing the peculear soap bottle on the miniature sink; applying different amounts of pressure to the "hot" and "cold" knobs until you can successfully create a "warm" mix; peeing as hard as you can to try to move around the little flap that covers the toilet hole; etc.
But who's stupid idea was it to install button-activated sinks? I mean; you have to rinse one hand while holding down the button than swap hands. The crucial process of mashing your hands together to lather the soap is impossible. Not only that, but you totally get your hands dirty again when you touch the soapy, soggy button. The truth is that I loose any incentive to wash my hands when I run into a sink like that.
And those toilets. No matter how much you prepare yourself mentally for that terrorizing flush, that streaking sound of released air pressure sucking up your turd is just mortifying. I'm sure to be standing up and pressed against the door ready to leave as soon as I flush.
Frucko y sus Tesos
I've already showed this to medio mundo, but I just had to post it for the general public.
Balloon
Thanks Alex.
Amaia Drawings
I dig the sun with the happy face. The dude with the polka-dot pants is also pretty humorous. The building in the back with the flag is a nice touch.
This is actually a collaboration between my daughter and I. She did the head and I did the body. "But what about the gloves!?" she screamed when I finished. So I had to add them. "That's not a real princess dress!" she scolds. So I had to make it wider. "And the hearts on her shoes!" The blush and the hypnotized eyes are great.
Jorge Ben Giving Daps
Jorge Ben is one of my favorite Brazilian singers but this album cover is just straight out lame. I think it's quite humorous how he's gettin' love from some white lady while giving daps to one of his homeboys. Hardcore, buddy.
"Fag Lawn"
Thanks Sarai. Jaja. I can't stop laughing.
Carajo Puñeta
Found this in the bowels of the Internet social network. I think the blond boxers, race car, "carajo", and "puñeta" are pretty amusing.
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